BREAKING: Bill Clinton Caught Red-Handed

Former President Bill Clinton will have some explaining to do when he arrives in new york later this week to meet with his wife. In an investigative report just released by a local Fox news affiliate in Arkansas, Clinton was caught red-handed having an affair with a college student.

 The student, a psychology major in her mid-20s, is said to have set Clinton up with a series of phone calls and texts designed to lure him into sending pictures of his private parts so she could “Anthony Weiner” him. What she got instead, she told the station, was something she never expected:

“He totally won me over. We ended up in a relationship that lasted for nearly six months until the editor of the school paper found out and outed us. We would have never been caught if not for that.

Bill is a kind, passionate and sensitive man. His wife is a very lucky woman. Had we been together another few days we may have even had sex.”

Clinton, who was caught completely off-guard by the investigation, denies there was a romantic involvement and in a moment of what seemed like near-confusion, told reporters:

“I don’t understand. You mean Leslie? The girl I have lunch with? She walks my dog. We’re in a relationship? Hot damn I still got it!”

Hillary Clinton laughed when she heard the news, telling CNN:

“Bill’s sweet. That poor girl had no idea what she was getting into. He’s absolutely mesmerizing. If they did have an affair, it certainly wasn’t physical, meaning she gave a nice old man a few months of smiles and he in turn forced another young woman to fall in love with him.”

Republicans in congress have promised to launch a full-scale investigation into Secretary Clinton’s admission that her husband forces himself on women. This should be the one that ends her once and for all.

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